WE ARE ALL ONE

This was a post I wrote May 2012 on another blog that I am no longer posting on.......

As I am struggling through this challenging time right now investing lots of time and money in Therapy for Ganesha I often wonder to myself what am I doing, is it making any difference or am I just creating more frustration and stress for all of us. This morning was one of those mornings. Ganesha was not allowed back in school until she was cleared by her Psychiatrist to return to school, so we spent the morning at the office of the therapist and psychiatrist getting seen and cleared to return to school. Me I felt like it was judgment day and was waiting for the shoe to drop yet once again, sitting there all morning with the my stomach in my chest.

Judgment time...I am called into the office to speak with the Psychiatrist. That is when I learn that it is all worth it and that we have created a safe environment for Ganesha there where she can begin to really speak her feelings and ask for help. While visiting with the Psychiatrist today she blurted out that the she hates her life because mommy hates her. As heartbreaking it is to hear your 6 year old suffering with such big and painful feelings/issues it was warming to my heart to know that I have successfully created a place for her where she feels safe enough to express these feelings. Just knowing that alone makes all the struggles worth it, in the therapy office we have created a little ray of light.

Now the next challenge with Briana being on home school for the remainder of the year is to find the school setting where a similar space can be created for her and she can continue to grow there as well.

Today April 16, 2013.......

Knowing that I have created a safe little world for Ganesha where she has not been asked to leave school, since starting the new school, and she is comfortable though still hesitant to tell me when she is not happy with her life.  I have seen amazing changes in her over the past 11 months; we have gone months where she seems like a happy child.  Not quite carefree but happy for the majority of the time.  Ganesha's general stress levels seem lower, except at certain times when she is reminded of the losses she has suffered in her life.  

My struggle now is how do I keep her safe in the world.  Terrible things happen in this world and while she needs to know about them she takes them so hard and personally.  I struggled all last night about telling Ganesha about the terror attacks in Boston yesterday, I finally decided to tell her that there was an explosion.  I told her that two people died and many people were hurt badly.  She asked me questions about what kind of injuries they had and I answered her questions.  I also reassured that the people I knew in the Boston area (having gone to college in Boston) were all fine.  Ganesha went off to sleep without any hesitations.  I went downstairs to watch TV after she was asleep and feel asleep with the TV on a news channel.  Ganesha came to get me in the middle of the night.  Before I woke she spent some time watching TV and was able to tell me that a child died when I woke.  Imagine my horror when my child was telling me about a child dying from something that I was trying hard to protect her from.  This morning we didn't get a chance to talk about because we were running late for school.  Ganesha had a challenged day at school but by the afternoon she was able to pull herself together   Something that a year ago she would have never been able to do.  

I will not get to talk to her until tomorrow morning since she will be asleep when I get home from after 8 pm   When I do I will keep the following quote in mind:

""When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” - Mr Rogers

I am going to try emphasizing the positive things that happened.  How everyone was helping all the people go hurt.  How the people who were running finished running and ran to the closest hospital to give blood to help the wounded.  How people from cities all over the country are sending prayers and love to the people of Boston.  How the Yankees are playing "Sweet Caroline" tonight during the third inning to show their support for Boston.  

When these horrible things happen in this world is when we get to see the best of mankind.  This is when we as country, as a people come tighter and show the world what it means to be an American and what it is to be proud of our country.  It does not matter who did this to us we are going to take a stand to them and show them that we are better than this and they cannot get us down. 

These are the lessons I want my daughter to learn from these horrible events of yesterday.  Not that the world is a horrible place filled with violence, but a place filled with people who are willing to unite under tough times and stand together.  Just as she and I stand together on a daily basis through our high points and low points.  That really the world is not a lot different from our little family and that she should not scare but embrace it and go out there and live it in it.

11 months ago she would not have been able to hear this lesson, now I think that she is.  I just need to find the right time.

Mommy Time Needed!

Just when I speak about Ganesha's meltdowns improving she has an all-out on in the car on the way home today.  I had to pull over twice on the side of the Turnpike because she was throwing things at me from the backseat, well actually once but just as I was about to get on the road again the throwing started back up. This was the first time in my life I was actually praying for a State Trooper to come by so she could see the severity of her actions. 

Once she calmed down and I was able to start back home I had the pleasure of spending the remainder of the trip home being lectured about how selfish I am and how everything that I do is for me and I do nothing for her.  This after spending $200 on new shoes for her and letting her ride the carousel 4 times in one day!  I sat there quietly reminding myself that this is the illness speaking not the true Ganesha and her real feelings about me.  When Ganesha was recovered it like nothing happened and she started cuddling and playing like normal at home.  When it was time to leave for Grandma's house she started up again and at this point I just couldn't take it anymore illness or not I lost it and yelled at her to "PUT ON YOUR FUC#$*NG SHOES AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE" of which she reacted by bursting into tears. 

After the assault of the afternoon I couldn't even feel bad I just wanted her out of my sight, I needed a break from her.  When I pulled up behind them in town she rolled down her window and was reaching back to me crying so I rolled down my window told her I loved her and apologized for yelling.  My heart did break a little when their car turned and I went straight and she reached out to me crying. 

I am resisting my urge to call my mother and check in on her.  I have done everything that I could do to set her up for a good overnight with them.  I packed her plenty of clothes, her favorite baby dolls and ALL their clothes, favorite PJs and I even managed to pack her mattress into the car so that she could have a good night sleep.  Now the best thing for me to do is to take the time for myself that I have planned and recharge my batteries.  It is no coincidence that I freaked out on Ganesha when I did.  Learning to take time for Mommy is my next challenge because I am seeing that when I do that I am able to better there for Ganesha.  

How We Became Our Perfectly Imperfect Little Family

Ganesha is not my biological daughter she is my niece.  She has been living with me for over 4 years now and while I passionately refer to her as my daughter and she is more and more referring to me as mommy the fact still remains that I am not her mother.  Below is the story about how I became Ganesha's mother in my heart though she is still struggling to accept me as that.....

I knew that Ganesha was going to be living with me at some point in her life from the very moment that I found out about her conception. She was just a ball of cells, in her existence, when I found out about her and knew that this would some day be our fate. Having her in my life and being her primary caregiver was never a question to me. People tell me that they don't think that they could have done what I am doing, I guess that makes me special because I never even questioned it. I just didn't think that she was going to be only be 2 1/2 years old when she would be coming to live with me. 

Ganesha was born in Georgia and when she was six months old my sisters relationship with her Ganesha's father fell apart so she and Ganesha moved back to NJ and in with my parents. In the beginning Ganesha's  Bio Mother was an extremely attentive mother to Ganesha able to anticipate and meet each of her needs, but as Ganesha became more independent and began to develop her own sense of self things began to fall apart. It became harder and harder for Ganesha's Bio Mother to attend to Ganesha's needs and she started turning to "self-medication" and she would begin to disappear for longer periods of time during the day and when she was home she was typically sleeping. There was several attempts to work, and go to school but my sister would run into challenges that she was not able to overcome and as she struggled with each challenge she would fall deeper into despair and become more and more distant from Briana and the family. 

By the time that Ganesha was 2 1/2 years old my sister was mostly absent in her life. Ganesha would get herself up in the morning, feed herself breakfast from whatever scraps were laying around from my sisters snacks the night before, and then get herself dressed before going downstairs to her grandparents. She had very little stability in her life from her mother. Her mother would say that she was going out for coffee and then come home 10 hours later, meanwhile Ganesha was left wondering where her mother was and feeling very insecure in herself. 

Then one day in late August I get a call from my sister telling me that she is moving in Louisiana in two weeks and would I stop by on the weekends to help my parents with Ganesha so that they aren't so overwhelmed. She was going to LA to work for my best friend who she had worked for before, successfully, in order to try to get a fresh start in things. I quickly decided that my parents raising Ganesha was not the right decision and the day that she moved to LA I moved in with my parents to help with Ganesha As time quickly progressed it became clear that she was not going to be able to pull herself together and bring Ganesha down to LA any time soon so six weeks after my sister moved out I brought Ganesha to Jersey City to live with me in my apartment. 

Shortly after Christmas my sisters downward spiral quickly began and it became clear that this was going to be a more permanent situation. By March we had drafted a guardianship agreement and my sister had given me temporary guardianship of Ganesha, but the agreement was written in such a way that it would take her until she was 18. 

So in a nutshell that is how Ganesha came to live with me 4 1/2 years ago and we began our journey together as a small and perfectly imperfect family.