Mommy Time Needed!

Just when I speak about Ganesha's meltdowns improving she has an all-out on in the car on the way home today.  I had to pull over twice on the side of the Turnpike because she was throwing things at me from the backseat, well actually once but just as I was about to get on the road again the throwing started back up. This was the first time in my life I was actually praying for a State Trooper to come by so she could see the severity of her actions. 

Once she calmed down and I was able to start back home I had the pleasure of spending the remainder of the trip home being lectured about how selfish I am and how everything that I do is for me and I do nothing for her.  This after spending $200 on new shoes for her and letting her ride the carousel 4 times in one day!  I sat there quietly reminding myself that this is the illness speaking not the true Ganesha and her real feelings about me.  When Ganesha was recovered it like nothing happened and she started cuddling and playing like normal at home.  When it was time to leave for Grandma's house she started up again and at this point I just couldn't take it anymore illness or not I lost it and yelled at her to "PUT ON YOUR FUC#$*NG SHOES AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE" of which she reacted by bursting into tears. 

After the assault of the afternoon I couldn't even feel bad I just wanted her out of my sight, I needed a break from her.  When I pulled up behind them in town she rolled down her window and was reaching back to me crying so I rolled down my window told her I loved her and apologized for yelling.  My heart did break a little when their car turned and I went straight and she reached out to me crying. 

I am resisting my urge to call my mother and check in on her.  I have done everything that I could do to set her up for a good overnight with them.  I packed her plenty of clothes, her favorite baby dolls and ALL their clothes, favorite PJs and I even managed to pack her mattress into the car so that she could have a good night sleep.  Now the best thing for me to do is to take the time for myself that I have planned and recharge my batteries.  It is no coincidence that I freaked out on Ganesha when I did.  Learning to take time for Mommy is my next challenge because I am seeing that when I do that I am able to better there for Ganesha.